© 1998,99,00, by Samuel M. Post
Characters
Ruben Greene
Marlene Greene Ruben’s wife
Aunt Daff Ruben’s Aunt
Renee a girl in high school
Renee’s mother Renee’s mother
Dr. Stercoff Ruben’s college professor
Mrs. Stercoff the professor’s wife
Frank a roommate
Annabel a twelve year old English girl
Margie an elderly black woman
J. D. Salinger an elderly man
(Note:
Using hand props and lighting, various areas of the stage need to be readily transformed into the following sets:
a kitchen, a bedroom, a living room, a hospital pay phone, a professor’s office, the back of a van, a clubhouse, the hall outside a classroom, and a college professor’s office.)
ACT 1
SCENE 1
(This is not a musical. However, in Act 3, MARGIE sings a bit of "Margie’s Song." She could enter here and sing the song, as a way of opening the play. Or not.)
MARGIE
My cat won’t sing without its string
‘cause it don’t know its name
oh my ca ca ca ca ca cat — my cat don’t know it’s name
My dog won’t bite without a fight
‘cause it don’t have a dame
oh my do do do do do dog — my dog don’t have a dame
My bee won’t sting without its wing
‘cause it don’t know it’s lame
oh my bee bee bee bee bee bee — my bee don’t know it’s lame
My skunk won’t stink, until I wink
‘cause it don’t play no game
oh my sku uh uh uh uh unk — my skunk don’t play no game.
My mouse won’t holler without a dollar
‘cause it don’t know it’s tame
oh my mou mou mou mou mou mouse — my mouse don’t know it’s tame
(Exit MARGIE, if she entered.)
ACT 1
SCENE 1
(A modest American home. RUBEN sits at the kitchen table, writing. Enter MARLENE.)
MARLENE
What are you doing?
ADULT RUBEN
Writing a story.
MARLENE
What kind of story?
ADULT RUBEN
A short story.
MARLENE
Ah, revisiting the ol’ dream.
ADULT RUBEN
Fulfilling a promise.
MARLENE
What kind of promise?
ADULT RUBEN
Annabel’s wedding. I’m sending my regrets.
MARLENE
In a short story?
ADULT RUBEN
Yeah. Of course, in my gut, I still think I should go to the wedding.
MARLENE
We’ve already decided that.
ADULT RUBEN
But did we decide right?
MARLENE
The right thing was to decide, which we did. Now other plans have been made based on that decision.
ADULT RUBEN
So at this point...the right thing to do...
MARLENE
...is to decide to live with what we decided, and not revisit our decision making process. To do that — that is, to undecide so that we could decide again —
ADULT RUBEN
...would be
MARLENE
a bad decision.
ADULT RUBEN
(defeated)
I can live with that decision.
MARLENE
Have you fed the cat?
ADULT RUBEN
No.
MARLENE
We decided that I would give it one serving of canned food, mixed with one serving of...
ADULT RUBEN
...dry food...
MARLENE
...in the mornings. And you would feed it a cup and a half of
ADULT RUBEN
...dry food
MARLENE
...in the evenings.
ADULT RUBEN
The evening isn’t over yet.
MARLENE
That cat is coming to me for food. It tries to lick me, and paw me, and climb me.
ADULT RUBEN
She likes you.
MARLENE
It likes food. I’m a dispenser.
ADULT RUBEN
She likes you, as a person, in addition to the food.
MARLENE
Ruben, it’s an orally fixated feline with two feelings: hunger, and extreme hunger. If that cat does like me — for who I really am — I don’t like it liking me.
(He looks at the invitation again.)
ADULT RUBEN
A wedding doesn’t happen so often.
MARLENE
Neither does my mother’s visit.
ADULT RUBEN
More often than a person gets married.
MARLENE
If you’re not here when my mother visits, she’ll be offended.
ADULT RUBEN
I know.
MARLENE
We’ve been through this.
ADULT RUBEN
I know. I know. There’s just, just this hole in my heart...I keep thinking something...
MARLENE
...might patch it?
ADULT RUBEN
I don’t know.
MARLENE
Here, I’ve still got our original, decision-making-analysis-inventory.
(She produces a notepad.)
Remember — the pros and cons?
ADULT RUBEN
They were all cons.
MARLENE
We reasoned it out.
ADULT RUBEN
We reasoned that it’s best for you to make my tough decisions for me.
MARLENE
Listen, I know how much you would like to go to this wedding.
ADULT RUBEN
Or even both of us to go.
MARLENE
I don’t see how you can even consider it! How many times have you and Annabel actually met? Actually spoken? Once?
ADULT RUBEN
Well, twice.
MARLENE
Twenty years ago. She was a little girl.
ADULT RUBEN
Yeah.
MARLENE
And you want to fly to England for her wedding? Ruben, this is crazy!
ADULT RUBEN
Okay. Can’t you see? I’m sitting here, writing my regrets.
MARLENE
Good. You’re being Salingeresque.
ADULT RUBEN
How so?
MARLENE
How so!
ADULT RUBEN
Yeah. How so?
MARLENE
You’re feet are off the path. You’re lost!
ADULT RUBEN
Sometimes I feel like you’ve got ropes an inch thick around my feet!
Enter ANNABEL, a twelve year old English girl, and MARGIE, an elderly black woman. They contribute to the conversation RUBEN is having with himself; but RUBEN and MARLENE are not aware of their physical presence.)
ANNABEL
My father was an avid tennis aficionado.
MARGIE
You remind me of this ol’ undertaker I knew.
(He tries to concentrate on his letter.)
ADULT RUBEN
Okay. Let me get back to my story. My letter to Annabel.
MARLENE
Oh yes. Your fiction. Your original, quote, purpose in life.
ADULT RUBEN
If I’m not going to the wedding, I’ve got to say something. Call it what you like, but leave me alone.
MARGIE
Honey, you’ve got to snap out of this and do something.
ANNABEL
My father was terribly fond of the examined life.
MARLENE
Good idea. Write something. Write Annabel your life story...
ANNABEL
And he absolutely abhorred an unexamined one.
(beat)
I want you to write me a story.
MARGIE
Try to understand? Me? You tellin’ me to understand?
ANNABEL
Remember, the story should contain lots of American vulgarity — but also the giving of one’s heart to another.
MARGIE
I do understand!
(Exit MARGIE.)
MARLENE
Honestly — this Annabel — I’m sure she’s very nice.
(Enter ANNABEL.)
ADULT RUBEN
She is.
MARLENE
And I know she’s not a mosquito.
ADULT RUBEN
She’s not.
MARLENE
Yet, she’s starting to feel like one. A mosquito I’m not quite quick enough to smack.
(MARLENE backhands ANNABEL, and MARLENE exits. RUBEN writes.)
ADULT RUBEN
Dear Annabel....
ANNABEL
(reading the letter)
... I’m sure your wedding will be a splendid occasion. Mr. James Johnson is a lucky man, and I trust that he treats you with the respect, consideration, and level-headedness that you deserve.
(Exit ANNABEL.)
It seems like half a lifetime since that day we met; however, I’ve never given you what I promised to give you that day.
(Exit ANNABEL.
(ADULT RUBEN writes.
RUBEN, a younger version of ADULT RUBEN, enters a bedroom of a college house.
RUBEN picks up the phone and dials.
Enter MARLENE. MARLENE reads the story over ADULT RUBEN’s shoulder. ADULT RUBEN refers to the story as he speaks to MARLENE.)
ADULT RUBEN
I don’t know if I want you to read this.
MARLENE
Why not?
ADULT RUBEN
I’m not sure if I trust you.
MARLENE
In that case, I’d really like to read it.
ADULT RUBEN
Go ahead.
(MARLENE reads the story.
Lights down on ADULT RUBEN and MARLENE. Lights up on RUBEN. He has dialed the phone and is waiting for RENEE to answer.
During the conversation, he stands very close to the wall, staring at it, almost as if he were inspecting his face, at close range, in a mirror. But there’s no mirror. He’s merely an adolescent asking a girl for a date and frozen by his own nerves; he studies a blank wall.
RENEE, an attractive, seventeen year old girl, acts her age, or younger than her age — but looks older. She sounds whiny, but it’s not manipulation; it’s the innocent whining of a girl put in a sticky situation.
RENEE’S MOTHER is pinning her daughter’s dress. When the phone rings, RENEE answers it.)
RENEE
Hello.
RUBEN
Renee?
RENEE
Ruben!
RUBEN
How ya’ doin’?
RENEE
Uh, good.
RUBEN
What’s goin’ on?
RENEE
Nothing.
RUBEN
Haven’t seen you in a few days. Where you been?
RENEE
I’ve been so busy.
RUBEN
Nobody comes down to the snack shop anymore. I’ve been sitting in there by myself, watching TV.
RENEE
School started.
RUBEN
What’ve you been doing?
RENEE
Lots of things.
RUBEN
Like what?
RENEE
Lots of stuff. School stuff. Different things. You know.
RUBEN
The club’s having a bluegrass band down at the pool.
RENEE
Really?
(beat)
Oh yeah, I knew about that.
RUBEN
Wanna go?
RENEE
When?
RUBEN
It’s tonight.
RENEE
The bluegrass band is tonight?
(repeating for her MOTHER’s benefit)
A bluegrass band down at the pool, tonight?
(RENEE looks at her MOTHER. Her MOTHER shakes her head, signifying an emphatic "No!"
When RENEE’S MOTHER speaks to her daughter, she does so in a loud, stern whisper; RUBEN can’t hear this.)
RENEE’S MOTHER
Tell him no!
(At this point, RUBEN lowers the phone to his side and approaches RENEE. She still speaks to him through the phone, but since the action takes place, essentially, in his memory, he is able, unlike the other characters, to shed the device and move about the stage freely.
RENEE, who is still restricted to the phone, hears him, but doesn’t see him.
RUBEN is pleading.)
RUBEN
I figured you’d already be going.
RENEE
No. I didn’t know about it. Bluegrass?
RUBEN
It starts at seven. I could pick you up.
RENEE
You like bluegrass?
RUBEN
I don’t know.
RENEE’S MOTHER
You don’t like bluegrass.
RENEE
I don’t really like bluegrass.
RUBEN
You don’t?
RENEE
Not really. I think it’s...
(beat)
RENEE’S MOTHER
Corny.
RENEE
Corny.
RUBEN
I’ve never heard it before. They’re having a pig picking at the same time.
RENEE
A pig picking?
RUBEN
Yeah. A pig picking.
RENEE’S MOTHER
Gross. Say it’s gross.
RENEE
Gross!
RUBEN
I agree. Sounds gross. I’ve never seen a pig picking. You ever seen one?
RENEE
Sure. I went last year.
(RENEE’S MOTHER has a bit of difficulty with the dress.)
RENEE’S MOTHER
Be still. Get off the phone.
RENEE
I gotta go.
RUBEN
I’ll call you back.
(RUBEN’S head drops.)
MARLENE
(to ADULT RUBEN)
You’ve changed. Now, every year, you’re the one who wants to go to Sticko Peterson’s pig picking.
ADULT RUBEN
Not for the pig. For the lamb.
MARLENE
I don’t get you. You will eat cute little animals that go baaaaah baaaaah, but you won’t eat bizarre looking creatures that go oink oink?
ADULT RUBEN
It’s the picking I don’t like. A lamb does not get picked.
MARLENE
(sarcastic)
Of course, Sticko Peterson accommodates the picking of more pig than anyone around.
ADULT RUBEN
I thought you liked Sticko Peterson’s pig picking. And you liked Sticko personally.
MARLENE
Everybody is fond of Sticko. I’m not too crazy about his wife, Sherry.
ADULT RUBEN
Nobody really cares for Sherry.
MARLENE
Except Sticko. He’s crazy about her.
(Lights go down on the MARLENE and ADULT RUBEN.
RUBEN, in the college house, turns to stare at the wall, signifying his despondence.
Enter AUNT DAFF. She stands at a pay phone in a hospital corridor, staring at a painting on the wall. She dials the number. It rings.)
RUBEN
Hello.
AUNT DAFF
Ruben?
RUBEN
Hi, Aunt Daff.
AUNT DAFF
I’m in town.
RUBEN
Where?
AUNT DAFF
Here, in town.
RUBEN
This town?
AUNT DAFF
Yes. Here.
RUBEN
Where?
AUNT DAFF
I’m at the hospital. Your Aunt Gertie fell and broke her hip.
RUBEN
Again?
AUNT DAFF
I’m standing here, looking at this painting on the wall. It’s a pastel. A bowl of fruit. A bowl of fruit, Ruben. What could be more mundane?
RUBEN
Nothing.
AUNT DAFF
But it’s something, Ruben. You know why? You know why they have such wonderful art on the walls in a hospital? You know why, Ruben?
RUBEN
No, Aunt Daff. I don’t.
(ADULT RUBEN and MARLENE step down and look at the paintings.)
AUNT DAFF
Because people here are sick. And we, who visit the sick, just wait and wait to find out what’s going to happen to them. Time moves so slow — every hour is like a day. So what is there to do? We look at the pictures. For all I know, this art could be awful, but it seems okay to me. I saw one a minute ago that was nothing but a blotch of orange paint on an empty canvas.
(ADULT RUBEN looks at this one and motions for MARLENE to come over. She studies the painting with him.)
ADULT RUBEN
I think it sucks.
MARLENE
That’s the point.
ADULT RUBEN
That it sucks?
MARLENE
That it could suck.
ADULT RUBEN
Either it sucks or it doesn’t.
MARLENE
Not necessarily. In fact, it sucks you in, so that whatever is in you, appears in the painting. That’s what your Aunt Daff is trying to tell you. Anyway, I hate that expression: "it sucks."
ADULT RUBEN
I love it. "It sucks," and "I’ve been fuckin’ the dog." Those are two excellent expressions.
AUNT DAFF
(still noticing the art)
Gertie is a sweet woman. She’s not going to live much longer.
RUBEN
How old is Aunt Gertie?
AUNT DAFF
She’s eighty-nine. I’ve lived with her, next door to her, or her with me — my entire life.
RUBEN
That’s...a lot of years.
AUNT DAFF
I remember when she lived next door. She always visited on Sunday afternoons and watched our TV. We had one and she didn’t.
(dreamily, she sinks deep into the memory...)
She always visited on Sundays.
RUBEN
She visited on Sunday because the liquor store was closed and she ran out.
AUNT DAFF
Have some respect!
RUBEN
Uh.
AUNT DAFF
She changed your diaper.
RUBEN
Okay.
AUNT DAFF
You had a good upbringing. Your Aunt Gertie may never walk again. Have you eaten dinner?
RUBEN
Yes.
(He moves back to his room and picks up a piece of pizza. He removes a slice of pepperoni and puts it in his mouth. He looks at the entire slice and puts it back in the box.)
AUNT DAFF
What did you eat?
RUBEN
Uh, vegetables.
AUNT DAFF
Just vegetables?
RUBEN
A balanced meal. Three different vegetables. Tomatoes. Peppers. Mushrooms. Onions. Let’s see. That’s four. Four vegetables, Aunt Daff.
AUNT DAFF
You had pizza. I can smell it from here.
RUBEN
Okay. Pizza.
AUNT DAFF
I’ll buy you a good meal.
RUBEN
No.
AUNT DAFF
I’ll take you to the smorgasbord at King Pappy’s. It’s your favorite.
RUBEN
No. I’m not hungry.
AUNT DAFF
You’re always hungry.
RUBEN
I don’t want to go.
AUNT DAFF
You know, it’s over an hour for me to drive here.
RUBEN
I thought you came to see Gertie.
AUNT DAFF
I also thought I would see you.
MARLENE
Why didn’t you go — to have dinner with Daff — and visit Gertie in the hospital?
ADULT RUBEN
Lazy. I was fuckin’ the dog.
MARLENE
I hate it when you say that.
ADULT RUBEN
This is where I learned it. From Frank.
(Enter FRANK, RUBEN’S roommate.)
FRANK
Man, what’re you doing?
(RUBEN holds his hand over the phone.)
RUBEN
I’m on the phone with Aunt Daff.
FRANK
You been studying?
RUBEN
A little.
(He surveys the area.)
FRANK
Shit. You have not.
RUBEN
Well, I’m trying to.
FRANK
Goddamn! You been fuckin’ the dog.
RUBEN
I guess I have.
ADULT RUBEN
See? Frank taught it to me. He said it all the time.
(exit FRANK)
MARLENE
And here you are, at your age, still saying that.
ADULT RUBEN
It got to be a habit.
MARLENE
I would say it’s your brain — but it’s your judgment that’s been really fuckin’ the dog.
RUBEN
(to AUNT DAFF)
You should have told me you were coming.
AUNT DAFF
I decided at the last minute. I’ve been pulled in every direction.
(She hears something.)
Hold on. Gertie’s telling me something.
(AUNT DAFF puts down the phone and exits. Enter RENEE, and HER MOTHER. RUBEN grabs a large plate and a fork. He is noticeably more energized.
RENEE’S MOTHER answers the phone and hands it to RENEE.)
RUBEN
How do they do it?
RENEE
How do they do it? You mean a pig picking?
RUBEN
Yeah. How?
RENEE
It’s simple. Everybody gathers around, and they just pick the pig.
RUBEN
The whole thing?
RENEE
Well, most of it.
RUBEN
Is it a big pig?
RENEE
Not that big, for a pig. But it’s still big.
RUBEN
Is one part of the pig the same as any other? People just come up and pick from...wherever?
RENEE
Well, you don’t have to pick your own. It’s like a buffet. They have people who pick meat off, and you can take that — from a plate. Or, if you like to pick your own, you can pick it straight out of the pig — from whatever part of the pig you want.
(RUBEN pantomimes this activity.)
It’s like visiting a strawberry farm. You can either buy strawberries that are already picked, or you can roam the field and pick them yourself. Except, instead of strawberries, it’s a cooked pig.
RENEE’S MOTHER
No pig picking.
RENEE
But I’m not going this year.
RENEE’S MOTHER
Because it’s gross.
RENEE
It’s too gross.
RUBEN
I understand that. I prefer meat that’s already on a plate. As a matter of fact, I don’t even want to know it came from an animal. I suppose you could say I’m a kind of vegetarian who eats meat.
RENEE
Hey, me too!
MARLENE
(to ADULT RUBEN)
Sometimes I just ask myself — who are you, anyway?
ADULT RUBEN
I’m a guy who wanted to write things, but instead I sit around all day farting around with computers.
MARLENE
That’s writing.
ADULT RUBEN
No.
MARLENE
You write software, or massage data, — something like that.
ADULT RUBEN
No.
MARLENE
Of course you do. That’s your job.
ADULT RUBEN
Nah. I’ve haven’t put together a routine that would actually do anything in years.
MARLENE
Then what do you do all day long?
ADULT RUBEN
Tetris, mostly. Backgammon some. Chess. Sometimes I write a doodle or two and bury it deep in the system. That’s why I need to go to this wedding.
MARLENE
Because you’re bored at your job.
ADULT RUBEN
Damn right! I’m dying inside.
MARLENE
Everybody is dying.
ADULT RUBEN
Not true. Four year olds are not dying. Remember?
MARLENE
I remember.
RUBEN
(to RENEE)
So, you wanna go?
RENEE
Yes! I would, but...
(Beat. Her MOTHER shakes her head.)
RENEE’S MOTHER
You don’t want to.
RENEE
I don’t really want to. I don’t think so. Not the pig picking. I gotta go.
RENEE hangs up. RENEE and RENEE’S MOTHER exit.
Enter AUNT DAFF, back at the phone.
AUNT DAFF
Ruben, I’m back. I need to talk to you about your uncle.
RUBEN
Why!
AUNT DAFF
He’s not well.
RUBEN
What’s the matter with him?
AUNT DAFF
His teeth.
(RUBEN lowers the phone. He looks in a mirror at his own teeth.)
RUBEN
What’s the matter with his teeth?
AUNT DAFF
The dentist pulled two.
RUBEN
Owww.
AUNT DAFF
He’s been very low. Very down. So — I’ll buy you a good meal.
RUBEN
I’ve eaten.
AUNT DAFF
Listen, your Aunt Gertie has not been well, even before she fell. She’s been a real handful for me.
RUBEN
What’s the matter with her?
AUNT DAFF
The whole constellation of problems. Her toenails are killing her. Her bunion is terribly terribly inflamed. She can’t see well enough to read anymore, and I don’t know how much longer she’ll be able to knit. She has such breathing problems at night, so that when others sleep, she herself isbecomes too frightened to sleep. She’s afraid she’ll die, and she wants others to be awake when she does. So sheBut she gets disoriented with all the lights off, and she refuses to turn them on — so she roameds the house, lost — throughout the night. SheHalf the time, she can’t remember English. She rotates languages in the middle of a sentence. Shemid-sentence so that she has to repeat everythinga thought three or four times before I can piece it together. It takes forever for her to tell me simple things! But — she wants to tell me things! She wants me to hear her! Her mind — oh! — how it’s going down fast. And — I’m also very worried about her colon and her bowels.
RUBEN
Please don’t tell me about her bowelsGod.
AUNT DAFF
And Mildred, that daughter of mine! S — your mean cousin! She’s losing her mind!
RUBEN
No, I don’t want to hear about MildredOh, no! Don’t get into that! I can’t, Aunt Daff.
AUNT DAFF
She’s driving me crazy!
RUBEN
Don’t.
AUNT DAFF
She’s Salingeresque — in my opinion. Don’t you think?
RUBEN
I couldn’t say one way or the other.
AUNT DAFF
She’s too mature for her age! She got a great job with a fantastic firm. She bought a great house, close to mine. She married a sharp guy.
RUBEN
A terrific putter.
AUNT DAFF
She bought a well-bred dog. Joined the country club. Doesn’t drink or smoke. Never used drugs. Her baby fat never came back. I would be proud of her. If she lived in a different city, or
AUNT DAFF
Most bright children who hate their mothers build a nice, successful life for themselves — but in a different state! God!
(beat)
Your uncle gets under my skin too. She’s nice to your uncle. He’sAnd he’s nice to her. That needs to change.
RUBEN RUBEN
He can’t help it.
AUNT DAFF
It needs to change.
RUBEN
Then his awareness needs to change.
AUNT DAFF
Hey! Your uncle’s awareness is my business!
AUNT DAFF
Ruben, do you know what her problem is?
RUBEN
I don’t care.
AUNT DAFF
She’s always been too mature for her age, and she still is. I remember—
RUBEN
Maybe you should kill them bothher.
AUNT DAFF
Or getIf she doesn’t apologize I want out of the family.
RUBEN
Me too.
AUNT DAFF
No, you really can’t get out of a family. Believe me, I’ve thought it through.
RUBEN
Sure you can. You can leave.
AUNT DAFF
It doesn’t work. People can change what’s going on in a relationship, but the relationship can’t be ended. Once you’re related, that’s it!
It’s like, people are always saying they can "end a relationship." You might be able to change the relationship, but hey — once you’re related, that’s it! God, Mildred!
MARLENE
ThisSome of this stuff is familiar.
ADULT RUBEN
Huh?
MARLENE
Your Aunt Daff is crawling around inside your head!
ADULT RUBEN
I don’t see it.
MARLENE
I see it, and I live with it.
AUNT DAFF
Ruben, I’m here at the hospital. Let’s meet at the smorgasbord and I’ll get you a decent meal. With vegetables.
RUBEN
No!
AUNT DAFF
I’ll bet you haven’t had a steak in awhile.
RUBEN
No, Aunt Daff. No. No.
(Exit AUNT DAFF. Enter RENEE and RENEE’S MOTHER.)
RUBEN
A movie! Renee, let’s forget the pig picking and go to a movie! The new James Bond!
RENEE
I love those.
RUBEN
I’ll take you to it.
RENEE
Great! James Bond!
(Her MOTHER shakes her head.)
RENEE’S MOTHER
(to RENEE)
You’ve already seen it.
RENEE
(to her mother)
No I haven’t.
RENEE’S MOTHER
Tell him you have.
RENEE
(to RUBEN)
Well, no. I already saw the James Bond movie — once.
(RUBEN is shattered.)
RUBEN
Okay. So why not the bluegrass band and pig picking? You’ll know everybody there.
RENEE
I already told you I can’t go.
RENEE’S MOTHER
Homework. You’ve got homework.
RENEE
I’ve got homework.
RUBEN
Already?
RENEE
It started the first day.
RUBEN
Then...tomorrow. What about a different movie, tomorrow night?
RENEE
Tomorrow night?
(RENEE looks at her MOTHER.)
RENEE’S MOTHER
Tell him your Daddy’s coming home.
RENEE
I think Daddy’s coming home tomorrow.
RUBEN
So.
RENEE’S MOTHER
You haven’t seen him in a week.
RENEE
I haven’t seen him in a week. I want to spend some time with Daddy.
RUBEN
He’ll be there all weekend.
RENEE
I...I can’t.
RUBEN
Then Saturday night.
RENEE
We’ve got plans Saturday night.
RUBEN
What kind of plans?
RENEE
Saturday night? A lot of plans.
RUBEN
What?
RENEE
(troubled)
I don’t know! It’s with my parents. And my brother.
(RENEE’S MOTHER gets an idea.)
RENEE’S MOTHER
Terry’s birthday.
RENEE
Yeah!
(to RUBEN)
My brother’s having a birthday party.
RUBEN
It’s Terry’s birthday?
RENEE
Another one.
RUBEN
Maybe we could get together Sunday.
(Enter AUNT DAFF. However, RENEE does not exit. For the remainder of the scene, AUNT DAFF, RENEE, and RENEE’S MOTHER share the same space. RUBEN now has a phone in each hand, one on each ear. He is forced to switch his conversation between the two.)
AUNT DAFF
How long will it take to have a bite to eat with your aunt?
RUBEN
No! I’ve got stuff to do.
AUNT DAFF
What stuff?
RUBEN
I need to study.
AUNT DAFF
Ruben, I know you. You’ll think of any reason not to study.
RUBEN
Not anymore. I’ve changed.
RENEE
I can’t. Sunday is Terry’s birthday.
RUBEN
I thought Saturday was his birthday.
RENEE’S MOTHER
Saturday is the party. Sunday is his birthday.
RENEE
Saturday is the party. Sunday is his birthday.
RUBEN
Then you’re free Sunday.
AUNT DAFF
A meal is a study break.
RUBEN
I’ve already eaten!
RENEE’S MOTHER
Sunday, we’re going on a picnic.
RENEE
My family makes a big deal over Terry’s birthday. It’s a two day event. A party on Saturday, and a picnic on Sunday.
RUBEN
(in pain, his voice cracks)
How old will Terry be?
RENEE
Fourteen.
RUBEN
Shit.
MARLENE
You’re blind to the way you create these situations, don’t you think?
ADULT RUBEN
According to you, I aggravate myself? I cause my own pain?
MARLENE
Yes.
ADULT RUBEN
Then the pain doesn’t count? Is that what you’re saying?
MARLENE
When you create your own pain, you’re actually getting what you want. No, I don’t think it counts the same.
AUNT DAFF
If you needed me — and you have many times — you know I’m there.
RUBEN
Why do you need me?
AUNT DAFF
Because your uncle is not feeling well, and I’m here in this town, and I don’t want to have dinner alone — my daughter is torturing me and I don’t know if Gertie will ever be able to walk again!
RUBEN
There’s nothing I can do about that.
RENEE’S MOTHER
Get off the phone.
RENEE
I need to hang up.
RUBEN
What about next weekend? Next Friday night?
RENEE
Next Friday?
RENEE’S MOTHER
You’re going to the football game.
RENEE
I’m going to the football game with my friends.
RUBEN
Football? Already? Who’s playing?
RENEE
(looking to her mother)
Who’s playing?
RENEE’S MOTHER
It’s a scrimmage. They’re playing themselves.
RENEE
They’re playing themselves.
RUBEN
You know they’re gonna win. Are you saying you don’t want to go out with me, ever?
AUNT DAFF
Think about somebody besides yourself for a change!
RUBEN
I do think about people besides myself!
AUNT DAFF
You don’t! And you don’t recognize that because...because you’re stuck inside yourself!
RUBEN
I’m not!
RENEE
Sure. I’ll go out with you...sometime.
RENEE’S MOTHER
No you won’t.
RENEE
Just not now.
RUBEN
So — I can or cannot call you again?
AUNT DAFF
You’re as bad as your cousin!
RUBEN
(cruelly)
If it makes you feel better — be mean to me, like you are to her.
RENEE
I don’t know.
RUBEN
Renee, I need to know if I can call you again.
RENEE
Yes!
RENEE’S MOTHER
No.
RENEE
Well.
RENEE’S MOTHER
No. No.
RENEE
Not for awhile.
RUBEN
Then...you could change your mind about going out, if I wait? Is that accurate? That mind of yours could be changed?
RENEE
It depends.
RUBEN
Depends on what?
(RENEE’S MOTHER gets a pair of scissors and threatens to cut the phone cord.)
RENEE
I have to get off the phone.
AUNT DAFF
That really hurts me.
RUBEN
Aunt Daff, I’ve got to go.
ADULT RUBEN
Are you impressed with my capacity to be involved on either end of a one-way relationship?
MARLENE
Instead of being so hard on yourself, you could use a little honesty. Everybody is selfish. It’s a matter of degree. The ones who don’t recognize it are the real pains in the ass.
RUBEN
Renee, about last week...
RENEE
I’ve gotta go!
(ADULT RUBEN turns to MARLENE.)
ADULT RUBEN
You know what I did that was so weird?
MARLENE
What?
ADULT RUBEN
We went swimming, in a lake. There was nobody around, and somehow, I got her to take her shirt off.
MARLENE
That sounds like the only normal thing you did with her.
ADULT RUBEN
But I think she told her mother.
MARLENE
Then she’s the one who’s weird.
ADULT RUBEN
Yeah, the whole thing screwed me up.
MARLENE
You and everybody else.
ADULT RUBEN
Marlene, I’m telling you it screwed me up — good.
MARLENE
You want me to sympathize with you, for acting foolish, like everybody else? Okay.
ADULT RUBEN
How about for getting my heart broken?
MARLENE
Well...no. Sympathy is vastly overrated.
RUBEN
Renee, I apologize if...
RENEE’S MOTHER
Off. Now!
RENEE
I’m going.
(RENEE hangs up the phone and exits.)
RUBEN
Let me explain.
AUNT DAFF
I’m the one, here at the hospital...
RUBEN
Bye, Aunt Daff.
(RUBEN hangs up.)
AUNT DAFF
...visiting the sick, and you’re the one who’s got to go!
ACT 2
SCENE 1
(ADULT RUBEN and MARLENE, at the kitchen table. MARLENE holds the letter.)
MARLENE
What’s the meaning of life?
ADULT RUBEN
For whom?
MARLENE
You.
ADULT RUBEN
Is this a question for me or a statement from you?
MARLENE
Do you have religion?
ADULT RUBEN
No.
MARLENE
Do you have a psychology that guides you?
ADULT RUBEN
Not really.
MARLENE
Do you have a philosophy? Zen Empiricism?
ADULT RUBEN
I don’t think so.
MARLENE
Do you love anybody?
(He stops. Beat.)
So what is it you get enthused about? How do you know when you’re happy?
ADULT RUBEN
Well, you’re supposed to change the oil in the car every 3,000 miles. If I come in slightly under that — that’s good.
(Beat.)
My computer. When I register the software, if I store the originals in a safe place, and back up the data on a regular basis — that’s a real victory.
(Beat.)
When I mow the lawn. That moment, that day, right after I finish — when I know I can go at least a week without even thinking about it again — that’s a good feeling.
(Beat.)
And — when I’m in the grocery store with a six pack, in the back of a long line...it’s gonna take twenty minutes, at least...and I’m ready, like a cat, when I hear those six magic words: "I can take you over here,"...
(Beat.)
...and suddenly, my feet do what needs to be done, without thought. I look at no one. Fiercely, I pounce to the newly opened register, and I’m the first in line. I instantly fall in love with the cashier, of course, and it’s, like, hal-uh-damn-looya! — I’ve in heaven.
(RUBEN stands in front of DR. STERCOFF’S office. He flips through a box of essays outside the office, finds his own, pulls it out, and looks at his grade. He reads the professor’s remarks. He knocks twice, softly, on the door of his English professor’s office.
DR. STERCOFF
Come in.
RUBEN
Hi. I didn’t do so hot on this paper.
DR. STERCOFF
Your name is...
RUBEN
Ruben Greene.
DR. STERCOFF
Mr. Greene, what questions do you have?
RUBEN
Oh, I don’t have any questions.
DR. STERCOFF
Do you wish to protest your grade?
RUBEN
No. I understand the D. I didn’t understand a lot of the, uh...
DR. STERCOFF
It’s a play.
RUBEN
Yeah, the play. So I guess that came through. But I did, really...I mean...to tell you the truth...I did this all myself.
DR. STERCOFF
How inventive.
RUBEN
Without using research as a crutch.
DR. STERCOFF
How convenient.
RUBEN
And I thought...considering the fact that I did it all myself...I thought I put together a pretty decent psychological analysis of Hamlet’s neurosis.
DR. STERCOFF
Well, you’re mistaken. You didn’t.
(beat)
Anything else?
RUBEN
Do you think I can major in English, after this?
DR. STERCOFF
Why not?
RUBEN
I’m making a D in Brit lit.
DR. STERCOFF
(impatient)
If you’re not satisfied with your grade, then do better work.
RUBEN
I’ve missed some classes.
DR. STERCOFF
Get out of the bed.
RUBEN
I’m behind on the reading.
DR. STERCOFF
Catch up.
RUBEN
I haven’t done most of the reading.
DR. STERCOFF
Then do it.
RUBEN
I’m a slow reader.
DR. STERCOFF
Put a pillow under your ass.
RUBEN
I’m...
(The professor’s wife, MRS. STERCOFF, hurries into the office. She’s unhappy, and angry with her husband, but she makes an effort, at first, to mask these feelings.)
MRS. STERCOFF
The van is not behind the admin building.
DR. STERCOFF
I parked it on the street.
(She glances at RUBEN and snarls at her husband.)
MRS. STERCOFF
What street?
DR. STERCOFF
Taylor Street.
MRS. STERCOFF
Thank you. That will narrow my search. I’ve wasted half my morning walking around this campus, looking for that damn thing.
DR. STERCOFF
Where else would it be?
MRS. STERCOFF
You said you’d put it in the lot behind the admin building.
DR. STERCOFF
It was full.
MRS. STERCOFF
You could have called to tell me that. I spent a lot of time in that parking lot.
DR. STERCOFF
The exercise is healthy.
MRS. STERCOFF
I’m going to be late now.
DR. STERCOFF
You could have come in and asked.
RUBEN
(to Stercoff)
I’ll be going.
(MRS. STERCOFF puts her hand on RUBEN’S shoulder and pushes him back into his chair.)
MRS. STERCOFF
Stay and finish talking with your...
(She almost spits the word...)
professor.
(To RUBEN, but looking at her husband.)
We’re finished.
RUBEN
No, we’re finished...
MRS. STERCOFF
Stay.
(DR. STERCOFF refers to RUBEN and speaks to his wife.)
DR. STERCOFF
We’re finished.
(to RUBEN)
Go!
(Again, RUBEN rises to leave and MRS. STERCOFF sits him back down. DR. STERCOFF apologizes to his wife.)
It was an honest mistake. I couldn’t find a parking space. The lot was full.
MRS. STERCOFF
You knew it would be. You wanted me to be late. You don’t want me doing this.
DR. STERCOFF
That’s not even a distortion of the truth. That’s pure fabrication.
MRS. STERCOFF
Fabricate my ass.
(She exits. RUBEN looks at his professor. He starts to speak and the professor shakes his head, stopping him. RUBEN exits.
MRS. STERCOFF walks by RUBEN, clacking her feet against the pavement. She’s walking so much faster that she passes him. She’s sobbing.)
RUBEN
How late are you?
MRS. STERCOFF
I’m not going. I missed it completely now.
RUBEN
What was it?
MRS. STERCOFF
A club. The club. My club. A group of ladies. A wonderful club. Nothing important.
RUBEN
It must be important. For it to be...so...
MRS. STERCOFF
What’s important is how unimportant my needs are to my husband.
RUBEN
Huh?
MRS. STERCOFF
The key to a relationship is the meeting of one’s needs — and consideration. There’s no consideration! What’s more important than that?
RUBEN
Well, Dr. Stercoff is sort of...
(MRS. STERCOFF waits for RUBEN to finish, which he never does.
MARLENE, speaking to ADULT RUBEN, interrupts.)
MARLENE
Sort of what?
ADULT RUBEN
(to MARLENE)
I don’t know. What the hell was I supposed to say to her?
MARLENE
You’ve said too much already. It’s like this morning, when...well, no need to go into that.
ADULT RUBEN
No — what?
MARLENE
It’s nothing.
ADULT RUBEN
What?
MARLENE
You disturbed me.?
ADULT RUBEN
I have no memory of that.
MARLENE
You didn’t know it. I was having a very peaceful morning, lying in bed, and there were some thoughts that were sort of loosely swimming around, sort of swirling in my half-sleep...I guess they were dreams, really. But they were like very welcome guests, and then you ran them out of my head.
ADULT RUBEN
How did I do that?
MARLENE
You spoke.
ADULT RUBEN
What did I say?
MARLENE
It doesn’t matter.
ADULT RUBEN
But what was it?
MARLENE
The same thing you say almost every morning, first thing.
ADULT RUBEN
What?
MARLENE
Ug.
ADULT RUBEN
Ug?
MARLENE
Ug.
RUBEN
I say ug.
MARLENE
Every morning.
ADULT RUBEN
That’s not even a word.
MARLENE
It is the way you use it. It jars the peace. You say ug. Then you get out of bed.
(MRS. STERCOFF, speaking quickly, spills her guts to RUBEN.)
MRS. STERCOFF
We have one vehicle. A stupid goddamn van. The powerful prof can’t walk anywhere. His feet hurt because he claims he has fallen arches. I think it’s because they’re too damn big and he hasn’t learned to walk properly.
RUBEN
He sort of leans to the left.
MRS. STERCOFF
He doesn’t have to do that. He started it the day he got tenure. One day he walked like this.
(She demonstrates.)
The next day he gets tenure, and he walks like this.
(She demonstrates.)
If I need the van I have to get a sitter, walk over here, get the van — and when I’m done park it here and walk back home.
RUBEN
Stercoff drives a van?
MRS. STERCOFF
A VW. He’ll never get rid of it. It’s his trademark. That, and his...well...I’ll just tell you: my husband’s an impotent goddamned man.
(Embarrassed, he gropes for a response.)
RUBEN
Oh......uh.
MRS. STERCOFF
I shouldn’t have told you that.
RUBEN
Not really.
MRS. STERCOFF
But it’s his fault for being...that...inconsiderate!
(She turns and begins to stomp away. Then she stops and twirls back around.)
What did he give you on your paper?
RUBEN
D.
MRS. STERCOFF
Typical. The A’s and B’s went to the women. The boys got the rest.
RUBEN
It’s like that in every class. The girls are smarter.
MRS. STERCOFF
Have you noticed where the girls sit in his class?
RUBEN
Uh...front rows?
MRS. STERCOFF
A front row seat and a dress is good for two letter grades in Stercoff’s class. Common knowledge in the girl’s dorm.
RUBEN
They do get there early.
MRS. STERCOFF
I used to be one of those girls in the front row.
(beat)
Need a ride somewhere?
RUBEN
I live a few blocks from here.
MRS. STERCOFF
I’ll give you a ride.
RUBEN
I’ll walk.
MRS. STERCOFF
Nonsense. I’ll drop you off.
RUBEN
That’s okay.
MRS. STERCOFF
I insist. I insist. I mean, you’re in there blubbering about your grade and I waltz in and bust up your meeting...consider it compensation — for that — and because you’re in my husband’s course.
SCENE 2
(RUBEN and MRS. STERCOFF in the back of the van...)
RUBEN
You were gonna drop me off.
MRS. STERCOFF
I thought you might like coming here.
RUBEN
Where are we?
MRS. STERCOFF
It’s just a country road. Haven’t you ever been on a country road?
RUBEN
Sure.
MRS. STERCOFF
It’s quiet here. The noise in town jangles my nerves.
(MRS. STERCOFF pulls the curtains in the back of the van. Lights low, in order to prevent pornography...)
RUBEN
Jesus! With those curtains, it’s completely dark in here. It’s like night.
MRS. STERCOFF
Uh huh.
(Beat...a bit of kissing and moaning)
Brit Lit is not your cup of tea, is it?
RUBEN
Not really.
MRS. STERCOFF
After all, you’re certainly not a Brit.
RUBEN
No.
MRS. STERCOFF
And you’re not...this lit...ordinarily.
(He gasps.)
RUBEN
Not ordinarily.
MRS. STERCOFF
Ruben, do you find me...Salingeresque?
RUBEN
Salingeresque?
MRS. STERCOFF
Yes. Salingeresque.
RUBEN
A little.
MRS. STERCOFF
(With enthusiasm, as if this really turns her on)
God help me!
(...sounds of lovemaking, MRS. STERCOFF moaning, and the two of them thrashing around in a small area...
...moments later...she opens the curtains so that there is a bit of light.
Enter DR. STERCOFF. He approaches MARLENE. For a moment, the two of them observe RUBEN and MRS. STERCOFF.)
MARLENE
Are you really impotent?
STERCOFF
Heavens know.
MARLENE
I suspected that.
STERCOFF
I’m virile as a bobcat.
(They exit.)
RUBEN
God. I’m sorry about that.
MRS. STERCOFF
Hush. You don’t know anything.
RUBEN
I know I didn’t do that right.
(She pulls the curtain again.)
MRS. STERCOFF
Oh, but you did. How’s that? See?
RUBEN
Oh!
(Moaning. The lights come up, barely. It is very dim. They dress themselves in silence. They kiss.)
RUBEN
God. I can’t believe this happened.
MRS. STERCOFF
I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, if I were you.
RUBEN
But, I just wish...
MRS. STERCOFF
Don’t.
RUBEN
It’s just...I’m sorry I...
MRS. STERCOFF
That was fine. Really. Did you enjoy that?
RUBEN
Oh, yes! But...
MRS. STERCOFF
So — you need a ride somewhere?
RUBEN
Well, now...yeah! I live like twenty miles from here.
MRS. STERCOFF
Are you still worried about your grade in my husband’s class?
RUBEN
Not at the moment.
MRS. STERCOFF
Listen, he’s always an asshole at the beginning of the semester — but after Thanksgiving he turns into a pussycat.
RUBEN
CouldOh. you take me to work? I...might be late.
MRS. STERCOFF
Gladly. Where?
RUBEN
The club. I work in the snack shop.
(Blackout.)
SCENE 3
(An empty golf club snack shop. RUBENRUBEN is the waiter. waits on ANNABELAnnabel., a twelve year old English girl, enters the shop. SheANNABEL carries a tennis racket and is dressed for tennis. She wears a men’s belt. She wears a men’s belt. She takes a seat and RUBEN waits on her.)
ANNABEL
Coffee, please.
RUBEN
Coffee?
ANNABEL
Yes, please.
RUBEN
You’re too young for coffee.
ANNABEL
Does America have a drinking age for coffee?
RUBEN
No. But children don’t order it.
ANNABEL
You have nothing to worry about. I assure you, I’ve had coffee in the mornings for years without drastic reverberations.
(He gets her the coffee and notices her belt.)
RUBEN
That’s quite a fancy beltfancy belt.
ANNABEL
It was Father’s. Father kept a very slim waist. Father kept a very slim waist. He was an avid tennis aficionado. He very much wanted me to learn the game when I reached the age of twelve. Now, I’m twelve, and though my father is no longer living, I feel compelled by parental decree to satisfy his goal posthumously. I am on holiday here, with my uncle, Judge Richard Newton. Do you know him?
RUBEN
No.
ANNABEL
He breakfasts here often. He’s become a terribly Americanized man. Not nearly so literary and much more arbitrary. He married an American, and he’s lost his English sensibilities. Even his accent has become somewhat noxious.
RUBEN
Oh yeah. I know the guy you’re talking about.
ANNABEL
My father wanted me to play tennis like a ballerina.
RUBEN
And there’s no reason why you shouldn’t.
ANNABEL
My father wanted a great many things for me. Fathers typically overextend their own dreams of their daughters’ futures. Don’t you think?
RUBEN
They overextend their...dreams?
ANNABEL
They do it out of ignorance.
RUBEN
Ignorance of their daughters?
ANNABEL
Ignorance of the future. Anyone who knows the past knows that it’s impossible to know the future. Anyone who knows that the future can’t be known knows at least something about the past. Nevertheless — I find calendars indispensable.
RUBEN
Was your father a stern guy?
ANNABEL
On the contrary, he was a brave and simple man with a soul as sweet as honey and as mushy as an over-ripened avocado. My love for him accumulated exponentially.
RUBEN
Whereas your uncle just feeds you and buys you stuff.
ANNABEL
Precisely. He does love me in his own very generous way. But his love lacks the multiple levels of fear that accompany parental love.
RUBEN
Levels of fear?
ANNABEL
Precisely.
RUBEN
I guess those are hard to come by.
ANNABEL
No. Fear is all around.
RUBEN
I can’t even figure out what you’re talking about.
ANNABEL
I’m advanced for my age. My father said I was more mature than the typical thirty-five year old.
RUBEN
You certainly are.
ANNABEL
My uncle has arranged for me to learn tennis from a well-seasoned coach. Be assured, she’ll find me to be a receptive pupil. I must go.
(She rises to leave.)
RUBEN
What’s your name?
ANNABEL
Annabel.
RUBEN
Annabel, uh...
ANNABEL
Annabel Newton.
RUBEN
Annabel. Drop by again. You know...we’ve always got...coffee.
(ANNABEL exits.
(After a moment, FRANK enters. FRANK grins. RUBEN gets him a beer.)
FRANK
Man, I heard about you and Stercoff’s wife.
RUBEN
How’d you hear that? I didn’t tell anybody about that!
FRANK
Man, everybody knows.
RUBEN
How?
FRANK
Stercoff’s wife. Man, you’re a sucker! What was she like?
RUBEN
Gee!
FRANK
Was it cramped in the back of the van? I’ve heard she does it with basketball players with the back doors wide open. They won’t fit.
RUBEN
Shit. You think Stercoff will find out?
FRANK
Hell, he knows by now. Man, she’s notorious. She’s bagged students, maintenance workers, security guards, guys from every team, professors from every department...
(Beat)
Shall I go on?
RUBEN
You mean...what happened, between the two of us...happens a lot?
FRANK
All the time! How can you be such an idiot! I hear she bagged Dean Thunkbed, just to, you know, just to do it.
RUBEN
Dean Thunkbed! Thunkbed looks like a beaver. You know — aren’t beavers the ones with two big teeth in the front?
FRANK
I don’t know. Yeah, I think so. They chew down trees all the time and make dams.
RUBEN
His nose is like, all nostril.
FRANK
You’re right. Thunkbed does look like a beaver. Exactly like a beaver.
RUBEN
If she’s like that all the time, then why are the Stercoffs still married?
FRANK
You idiot! Who else would have either of them? Nobody!
RUBEN
I don’t know. This is...this is...
FRANK
He’ll flunk you, at best. And it could be worse. I wouldn’t go back to that class. It’ll be worse if he sees you.
RUBEN
I wasn’t sure if I should go back, anyway.
FRANK
What did she do? What was it like?
RUBEN
Shut up.
FRANK
I don’t think she’s that great looking, myself.
RUBEN
C’mon.
FRANK
She must know some tricks.
RUBEN
Well...
FRANK
C’mon, man. Tell me!
RUBEN
Tell you what?
FRANK
Tell me about Stercoff’s wife. Details.
RUBEN
Okay, here are the details. She’s married to Dr. Stercoff, who is an extremely well-respected scholar. He’s a poet, and his poems are complicated and full of foreign words so that no one knows what they’re saying. However, he is also a fascinating teacher — probably one of those few great ones a person has in life. And — his wife is a whore.
FRANK
Wow! What else?
RUBEN
That’s it.
FRANK
You haven’t told me a damn thing!
SCENE 4
(RUBEN steps into Dr. Stercoff’s office.)is walking to class. DR. STERCOFF blocks his way. RUBEN tries to move past him. Stercoff steps to the side and blocks him again.)
DR. STERCOFF
My boy, Dean Thunkbed and I had an interesting conversation about you.
RUBEN
Thunkbed! Are you being Salingeresque?
DR. STERCOFF
Excuse me.
RUBEN
Excuse me.
(STERCOFF gives RUBEN a piece of paper.)
DR. STERCOFF
I took the liberty.
RUBEN
What’s this?
DR. STERCOFF
It’s a response, to you, from Dean Thunkbed.
RUBEN
I haven’t talked with Dean Thunkbed.
DR. STERCOFF
My boy, Dean Thunkbed and I have talked about you.
(RUBEN reads the piece of paper.)
RUBEN
Shit. I suppose you find this Salingeresque.
DR. STERCOFF
Spare me, son. Step into my office and have a seat. DR. STERCOFF
Spare me, son. Sit down.
(RUBEN sits.They sit down. DR. STERCOFF produces a folder and removes papers from it.)
DR. STERCOFF
Sometimes, when I have a student expelled from the university, I like to make that extra little effort, give my tendrils a good stretch, see how far I can make them reach. Run that extra mile, if you will — and try to ruin his life permanently. And sAnd sometimes, I just get him kicked out of school.
RUBEN
Oh. Which is it for me?
DR. STERCOFF
We’ll get to that in a minuteI haven’t yet decided.
RUBEN
Would I be better off quitting?
DR. STERCOFF
No.
RUBEN
Would it help if I told the truth?
DR. STERCOFF
Heavens no!
RUBEN
Do I have any options?
DR. STERCOFF
Precisely. Now we’re talking the same language. Options. A multitude of options. Mr. Greene. You’re a sophomore, correct?
RUBEN
Yes.
DR. STERCOFF
And Mr. Greene — you’re not a very good student, really. Are you?
RUBEN
Well...no. Not really.
DR. STERCOFF
In fact, flunking out is a real possibility, wouldn’t you say?
RUBEN
Anything’s possible, but my grades aren’t that low.
(He singles out a piece of paper.)
DR. STERCOFF
Dean Thunkbed has furnished me with a transcript. The grades are... quite low, I’d saynot good.
RUBEN
Well, they’re not goodNo. Not good.
DR. STERCOFF
If they were a wee bit worse, you could be out on your ass as a result. Would you agree?
RUBEN
I don’t know.
DR. STERCOFF
Mr. Greene, we look at transcripts all the time. I suggest you do agree.
— and I suggest you do.
RUBEN
Okay, I agree — I suppose.
DR. STERCOFF
You suppose?
RUBEN
I agree.
DR. STERCOFF
Son, given the fact that you are destined for failure, wouldn’t you say that it would be better for your mental health, self-esteem, sense of pride, et cetera — all factors taken into consideration — if you left here and found an environment that matched your capabilities?.
RUBEN
It might be better.
DR. STERCOFF
After all, speaking on behalf of the university, and as one human being to another — we support you in your... future endeavors successes.
RUBEN
Oh, sure.
DR. STERCOFF
Then we have an understanding?
RUBEN
RUBEN
I think so. I have the option of either quitting school here and going somewhere else — with a good recommendation, since you support me in my future endeavors. Or — let’s see, what’s the other option?
DR. STERCOFF
Option one does not include the recommendation.
RUBEN
Okay, so I quit here, period — or...what’s option number two?
DR. STERCOFF
Mr. Greene, my proposal is more logical than it sounds.
I think so. It sounds like you’re suggesting I quit school, but you’re offering to give me a good recommendation — so I can go to school somewhere else.
DR. STERCOFF
You’ve got half of it right.
RUBEN
It isBut, for a second there, it sounded like you wanted to help me out of this.
DR. STERCOFF
Mr. Greene, my proposal is more logical than it sounds.
RUBEN
It is?
DR. STERCOFF
Let me remind you: I have your folder here in front of me.
RUBEN
What folderYou do?
DR. STERCOFF
First semester of freshman year, you failed to attend library orientation. That’s recorded here.
RUBEN
That wasn’t required.
DR. STERCOFF
How can you attend a university without knowing how to use the library!
RUBEN
I can use the library.
DR. STERCOFF
Not fully.
RUBEN
It’s not that big.
DR. STERCOFF
How would you know!
RUBEN
I’ve been in it.
DR. STERCOFF
I’ve seen no evidence of that. This is disgraceful.
(beat)
RUBEN
Then option number two is...I get kicked out? Option one is quitting and option two is getting kicked out?
DR. STERCOFF
I admire your ability to discriminate between the microscopic details of the matter.
RUBEN
Either way I’m out.
DR. STERCOFF
Ah — with a whimper, not a bang.
(His attention shifts from RUBEN to a pen and paper.)
RUBEN
Huh?
DR. STERCOFF
Good-bye.
RUBEN
You said there were a multitude of options.
DR. STERCOFF
Oh, there are. Elsewhere.
RUBEN
What would you do if you were me?
DR. STERCOFF
Meaningless hypotheticals. Not my cup of tea. Out you go.
(beat)
Sign here.
RUBEN
This is the pits.
(He signs the paper.)
What would you do if you were me?
DR. STERCOFF
Get out of my office.
RUBEN
But...
DR. STERCOFF
Out!
(Exit RUBENHe leaves.)
MARLENE
It’s almost as if you lie down in the middle of the road. Then, you’re surprised when you get hit by a car. And you say...
ADULT RUBEN
Ouch.
MARLENE
Exactly.
ADULT RUBEN
But it still hurts.
MARLENE
But...you keep justifying everything! Don’t you want to change?
ADULT RUBEN
Why?
MARLENE
God help me!
(ANNABEL enters the snack shop and sits down.)
ADULT RUBEN
I just need to start over. Do a good job with the rest of this life and get reincarnated as a person with a better disposition. I’ve let this one slip away.