Warning: Thanks for checking this out. However, this is an excerpt of a short, irreverent comedy -- a farce, really -- that takes place during Hannuka. If you're looking for a real Hannuka story for the season, you should look somewhere else.
S.P.
317 Lantz Ave.
Salisbury, NC 28144
704 637 7757
smpost@bellsouth.net
(LEN stands above his daughter, HELEN. He wields a large knife. She sleeps on the couch, peacefully, perhaps with a hint of a smile on her face. A menorah burns brightly. Enter SUZANNE, his wife.)
SUZANNE
What are you doing?
LEN
I'm thinking about stabbing her.
SUZANNE
How hard?
LEN
Pretty hard.
SUZANNE
Maybe if you just pricked her skin a little she would know you're serious.
LEN
No, I think I'll slice her like a sixteen inch with pepperoni and extra cheese.
SUZANNE
Just two days before her birthday?
LEN
Her birthday is today.
SUZANNE
How long are you going to insist on that nonsense?
LEN
There is no nonsense. She was born on the evening of the eighth night of Hannuka -- which makes her Jewish birthday the eighth night of Hannuka. Every year.
SUZANNE
That's one of the reasons she said those things to you. She doesn't want the Jewish birthday. She wants December 17th to be her birthday. It's something she can tell her friends.
LEN
She can have both.
SUZANNE
She wants a regular birthday.
LEN
All I did was get her a cake and sing her happy birthday.
SUZANNE
German chocolate. Your favorite.
LEN
She likes it too.
SUZANNE
She likes strawberry cake for her birthday.
LEN
What's wrong with celebrating twice?
SUZANNE
Nothing, if that's what you want. She doesn't want that, and it's her birthday.
LEN
It's still no reason to call me an asshole. I work too hard. I've always been a good father. I didn't do anything to deserve that.
SUZANNE
You were going to kill her without consulting me.
LEN
Yes, I was. I'm angry. I have feelings too.
SUZANNE
We always agreed that big decisions had to be discussed first.
LEN
I know, dear. And I've always kept that agreement, haven't I?
SUZANNE
Until this.
LEN
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
SUZANNE
You can't talk your way out of this.
LEN
When you go on trial, I'll lie on your behalf.
SUZANNE
You're the one who will be on trial.
LEN
Now that we've consulted, you will too.
SUZANNE
If we're consulting, then be very clear about my opinion of this. I don't want you to do it.
LEN
These things take some emotional preparation, and I feel I'm ready. Besides, think of the money we'll save.
SUZANNE
It's horrible, isn't it? A knife?
LEN
I don't want to bludgeon her. My back has been feeling better lately, and I don't want to strain it again. Can you think of any other methods?
SUZANNE
She is a teenager. Guns are their weapons of choice.
LEN
I don't have one.
SUZANNE
You can get one at any store.
LEN
I hate to spend that kind of money for something I'll use one time.
SUZANNE
You won't need money in prison.
LEN
I'll need plenty for the trial.
SUZANNE