BETH Mid-seventies, mother, wife, daughter - caretaker to all.
JERRY Beth's husband, mid-seventies, retired storekeeper. Tries to keep the peace when chaos erupts.
JODIE Beth and Jerry's daughter, mid forties. Suffers from bipolar disorder. Lives at home. Doesn't work.
CHARLIE Beth and Jerry's son, early forties. Successful, estranged. Visiting home for the 1st time in 20 years.
SANDY Charlie’s wife. By her husband's side, offering support. Has never met her in-laws.
BUBBIE Beth’s mother, in her 90’s. An aging Russian grandmother.
CLEMMIE The maid, and Bubbie’s caretaker, in her eighties. She is Bubbie's nurse and companion.
It's Beth and Jerry's 50th wedding anniversary.
The play requires three spaces.
Most of the action takes place in the living room of Beth and Jerry's home. There is a dining room table, a couch, and a chair – or any other normal living room stuff.
Bubbie's room contains a couch, chair, and T.V.
There is another multi-purpose area that requires no set.
The era is the early 80's, in a small town.
ACT I Early evening
ACT II Late that night, and very late that night
ACT 1
SCENE 1
(BETH and JERRY, on their 50th wedding anniversary, sit in the living room.
BETH knits, not because she’s big on knitting, but because, tonight, her daughter, JODIE, is keeping her out of the kitchen. BETH is anxious for activity.
JERRY reads the newspaper. He’s relaxed.
JODIE, their daughter, enters, wearing an apron. She is in her mid-forties. She lives at home with her parents. She suffers from bipolar disorder. Presently, her mood is stable. Her illness, at this point, is in its final resting place. Her elderly parents help her function, as they have her entire adult life. In turn, she worships them. Her life is devoted, sadly — as it is this day – to trying to please them.)
JODIE
So, Ma and Dad. Think. Where were you, at this exact time, fifty years ago?
(JERRY looks at his watch and calculates. He is expecting someone. He begins to tell JODIE a story he’s told her many times before.)
JERRY
We were on Highway 912, between Elbeeton and Rakefield, doing fifty-five in a forty-five — and there wasn’t another damn car on the road.
BETH
Jodie, I could at least chop the lettuce. Let me at least do that, dear.
(BETH rises.)
JODIE
Sit down, Ma. No.
BETH
It would still be your dinner.
JODIE
Not if you’re chopping. Go ahead, Dad, with the story. Sit down, Ma.
(BETH sits.)
JERRY
Your mother said — I remember this — "You think we ought to turn back?" And I said, "After that scene with your father? Turn back to where?" And she said, "You're right." So we kept going.
JODIE
That’s so romantic, the way you eloped, right after a big family fight.
JERRY
It wasn’t a big fight. It was a disagreement — then exile.
BETH
(correcting, him, as she’s done many times before)
There was no disagreement. My father wanted us to get married.
JERRY
No. He would have rather been run over.
BETH
He wanted me to finished college. Once I graduated, he was fine.
JERRY
We got married two months before your graduation.
BETH
And he wanted us to wait two months. He was insecure.
JERRY
We compromised. We did what we wanted to do and we avoided him until he cooled off. I’ll tell you —
(JODIE has heard this so many times over the years that she finishes her father’s statement for him.)
JODIE
More people should learn how to compromise.
JERRY
Exactly.
BETH
(defensive)
He introduced us, didn’t he?
JERRY
That he did.
JODIE
He picked him out of a crowd of people.
BETH
(to JERRY)
And asked you if you were Jewish, and brought you to meet me.
JERRY
Yes. He did. But it wasn’t a crowd of people. It was…a few people.
BETH
You were walking down the street.
JERRY
The street? In this town, back in the forties, not so many people were walking down the street.
BETH
If you could count the people downtown today, and the number back then — there were more then.
JERRY
Maybe so — but there still weren't so many.
BETH
Well, he took a look at you — a stranger on the sidewalk — and invited you in.
JERRY
He did.
BETH
You should be grateful.
JERRY
I am.
BETH
He built our furniture, including Charlie’s first bed, and he helped you remodel our first house — didn’t he?
JERRY
He did.
BETH
He was supportive.
JERRY
Right. When we first told him we were getting married, he behaved like a — well…did you forget his reaction to that?
BETH
Jodie, I could have been done with the lettuce by now.
JODIE
No, Ma. No.
JERRY
He was standing over beside that sewing machine, and you said, "Jerry and I are getting married," and he didn't say a word. He sat down and started sewing like a crazy man. Like a man who was going to sew his hand to the table. Then he said, over the racket of that machine – I remember because he screamed it while he sewed – he called you a quitter, a drop-out.
BETH
He was frustrated because he was so smart. He could have been a scholar. But he quit school and immigrated here and never went to school another day.
JERRY
So did a lot of people.
BETH
He was afraid I would quit school.
(Pause. She gets lost, for a moment, in a memory of her father.)
But my father did all right for a man.
(Pause.)
He also didn’t have any money for a wedding. He had pride.
(This argument has been going on for a long time, and it’s not really an argument; it’s a disagreement over two recollections, with two separate perspectives.)
JERRY
Who wanted money?
BETH
It's a tradition.
JERRY
No one mentioned money for a wedding. We wanted his blessing — and he wouldn’t speak to us.
BETH
He spoke to us plenty after we were married.
JERRY
He did. He ran his mouth. But it only began after six months of not speaking.
BETH
Three weeks. Four at the most.
JERRY
Six months.
BETH
Well, it was a few weeks.
JERRY
Six months of not speaking.
BETH
He was in pain.
JERRY
You were in pain. Don’t you remember? You tried everything. You asked him questions, one after another: ‘How’s the store? How’s business? How’s your leg? How’s the food? What’s your name?’ He ignored you. A man who does that to his daughter is doing it for a reason. Then, when he knew you had suffered enough, he spent the next ten years talking too much. I would have preferred a balance.
BETH
Jodie, let me chop the lettuce.
JODIE
Nope. Consider it chopped.
BETH
Is it chopped?
JODIE
I'm doing that next.
BETH
If you won’t let me help, maybe Clemmie could.
JODIE
I don’t need anybody’s help. I want to do this myself and it’s almost ready.
BETH
What have you got the oven on?
JODIE
I turned it down.
BETH
To what?
JODIE
Two seventy-five.
BETH
Right!
JODIE
Ma, I’m doing this dinner. Relax.
BETH
When did you lower it? If it’s well-done, your father is not going to be happy.
JERRY
I’ll be happy.
JODIE
I’m using your exact recipe for the perfect roast. The one you got from the butcher who lived next door to Aunt Grace.
JERRY
The guy with the mustache and the little dog that barked like a bird.
BETH
He knew more about meat than anyone I've ever known. That was Aunt Grace's secret. Living beside him all those years she picked up some knowledge. She was a terrible cook before she moved in there. How would you know that recipe?
JODIE
I’ve heard you tell it to a hundred people. I’ve helped you with it a hundred times.
JERRY
The roast will be fine.
JODIE
It will be perfect, Ma. It's the butcher-who-lived-beside-Aunt-Grace's recipe. Ma, you’re not doing a thing. Not on your anniversary.
JERRY
It’s four o’clock. Charlie should be here any minute.
JODIE
I should check the green beans.
JERRY
Beans?
JODIE
For you, Dad. Your favorite vegetable.
BETH
It’s his only vegetable.
JERRY
It’s not my only vegetable. I have a number of vegetables.
BETH
Okay. Brussels sprouts.
JERRY
I’ll eat asparagus. I’ll eat corn.
BETH
Corn is not a vegetable.
JERRY
Corn is a vegetable.
BETH
It’s not a green vegetable.
JERRY
It’s a yellow vegetable. I’ll also eat peas.
BETH
Maybe. If the mood strikes. You’ll eat a baker’s dozen.
JERRY
It's not a crime to prefer green beans.
JODIE
No, it’s not. And you also like salad, which is a vegetable. We're having a lovely salad.
JERRY
Olives?
JODIE
No.
BETH
You didn't try to put that dressing on it, did you?
JODIE
It's all on the side, Ma.
BETH
Good.
JODIE
I’ll check on things.
(JODIE exits.)
BETH
So Charlie’s coming.
JERRY
Yes he is.
BETH
I’ll believe it when I see him here.
JERRY
He’s coming. I talked with him this morning.
BETH
How did he sound?
JERRY
The same as always.
BETH
How’s that?
JERRY
The same.
BETH
I haven’t talked with him for twenty years. I don’t know what "the same" is!
JERRY
He sounds like a forty year old man who is coming home to visit his parents. Leave it at that. He’s coming.
BETH
Is he nervous?
JERRY
No.
BETH
His feelings are shut-off.
JERRY
How would you know that? And… 'feelings are shut off,'… that doesn't mean anything.
BETH
For a man to see his family for the first time in twenty years, and not be nervous? Either he's emotionally detached or you're not reading the signs.
JERRY
Or you're reading those gooey psychology books that are written for idiots again. He’s not detached. He’s normal.
BETH
We don’t know if he’s normal, really — do we? We can’t know if we haven’t seen him – not once – since he became an adult.
JERRY
I’ve talked with him on the phone. He’s my son. He’s a normal man!
BETH
Normal man. People with mental illnesses can disguise it when they want to.
JERRY
He is not disguising.
BETH
It’s an interesting phenomenon and widely reported. Jodie does it. They have the wherewithal and intelligence to hide the symptoms from certain people, so that they are out of control only…in private. I've learned a few things taking care of her.
JERRY
He’s not mentally ill. He’s not hiding anything.
BETH
If he talked with me on the phone, I may be able to detect it.
JERRY
You won’t talk to him.
BETH
But if I did.
JERRY
You refuse.
BETH
But if I didn’t. I think there’s a possibility there’s something wrong with him.
JERRY
Charlie owns three nice houses. Three nice cars. He has a boat, for God’s sakes. A wife who plays golf. A kid who plays soccer. He’s been to Hawaii. He's happy, not sick.
BETH
I didn't say he was broke. Some of the wealthiest men in America are manic depressives.
JERRY
Good for them.
BETH
These things are genetic.
JERRY
You’re an expert in genetics?
BETH
You know nothing about genetics. It’s a hard science.
JERRY
It’s not that hard. I know something. My sister had black hair and mine used to be brown. There's variety. This is genetics! Just because Jodie is ill, it doesn't mean Charlie is.
BETH
My sister had it. There’s a twenty-eight percent chance it will appear in the next generation. That’s genetics.
JERRY
Then Jodie is the twenty-eight percent. Charlie is the seventy-two percent. If we had had another child, he probably would have been normal too.
BETH
It doesn’t work that way. It’s a twenty-eight percent for each child.
JERRY
He's a normal adult man. He has a job. He functions.
BETH
Then why doesn’t he come home for twenty years?
JERRY
Think about it.
BETH
What’s that supposed to mean?
JERRY
What do you think it’s supposed to mean?
BETH
Are you implying that it’s my fault?
JERRY
Not implying it. I’m saying it. It’s your fault. And hers.
(He points to the kitchen.)
BETH
Don’t blame everything on Jodie. I say it’s your fault. You’re the one he talks with. You’re the big peacemaker. You haven’t made any peace.
JERRY
Okay. Then blame me. But also give me credit for him coming here today. I kept negotiations open all these years. I talked him into making this trip.
BETH
I’ll give Jodie the credit, if he comes. She sent the invitation.
JERRY
Fine, give her the credit. He’ll be here.
SCENE 2
(CHARLIE and SANDY a few feet from the set, signifying the outside of BETH and JERRY’S house.
BETH and JERRY have not seen CHARLIE, their son, for twenty years. SANDY is CHARLIE'S wife.)
CHARLIE
When we go in there, remember, you’re on my side.
SANDY
Of course I’m on your side.
CHARLIE
Whatever happens, please don’t forget that.
SANDY
Just because I’ve never met your family, doesn’t mean I don’t understand them.
CHARLIE
I wouldn't call them my family. You and Lori are my family.
SANDY
And so are they. I’m on your side. And don’t worry.
CHARLIE
Just don’t stab me in the back.
SANDY
Why would you think that?
CHARLIE
I couldn’t come here without you. I need the protection.
SANDY
Have I ever stabbed you in the back? I've had lots of opportunities.
CHARLIE
This is a snake pit. If you get bit, you bolt.
SANDY
I’ve been offering to put my level-headedness at your service for eighteen years. You think all that time I was trying to set you up?
CHARLIE
You know as well as I do: when I lose my cool, you have no sympathy for that.
SANDY
No, I don’t.
CHARLIE
If I walk in there and they all attack me, I could blow up — and we could be on our way back home within a matter of minutes. That’s not why I’m here, but if it comes to that, so be it.
SANDY
After this amount of time, considering the occasion, I don’t think they want to attack you. Do you want them to attack you? Are you looking for a fight?
CHARLIE
No. But if they do…
SANDY
How about if I promise that if you lose your cool, I’ll lose mine too? If you throw a brick through the window, I’ll throw one too. Will that make you feel better?
CHARLIE
You won’t do that.
SANDY
Probably not, but I’ll support you, just this once, in losing your cool. You shouldn’t do it, but — I’ll just give you my word.
CHARLIE
We should have brought Lori.
SANDY
She didn’t want to come.
CHARLIE
We should have made her.
SANDY
This scares her. If it goes well, she'd love to know her own grandparents, don't you think? Keep that in mind if you start to say something you shouldn't say.
CHARLIE
She would have kept everyone on good behavior.
SANDY
Why?
CHARLIE
A family wouldn’t fight with children around.
SANDY
It wouldn’t?
CHARLIE
No.
SANDY
I hate to see you lose your innocence, Charlie, but they do.
CHARLIE
We don't.
SANDY
No, we don't.
CHARLIE
Not at all. Ever. Why not?
SANDY
That's another kettle of fish, dear. Did your parents argue when you were a child?
CHARLIE
Well, yeah – but you know about our problems.
SANDY
Families fight more, and meaner, with children around. It's a proven fact. We can bring Lori next time.
(CHARLIE knocks on the door.)
CHARLIE
Here goes nothing.
SCENE 3
(Inside, there’s a knock.
BETH and JERRY rise. JERRY moves toward the door. Enter JODIE from the kitchen. She runs to the door before her father gets there.
Enter CHARLIE and SANDY.
JODIE lunges at her brother and hugs him.)
JODIE
Charlie!
CHARLIE
Jodie! It’s you? You look good.
JODIE
No I don’t. Charlie, you’re home.
(His parents stand in line, JERRY in front. CHARLIE and JERRY embrace.)
CHARLIE
Hi Dad.
JERRY
Charlie, how are you?
CHARLIE
Great.
(BETH and CHARLIE embrace.)
BETH
My son. Charlie.
CHARLIE
Ma.
BETH
You haven’t changed, except you’re taller.
CHARLIE
I’m the same height, Ma.
BETH
You’re thin.
JERRY
No he isn’t.
CHARLIE
Sandy's a good cook.
BETH
She cooks?
CHARLIE
Of course, Ma.
JODIE
(to SANDY)
Sandy, we're having roast. Do you like roast?
SANDY
Sure I do, Jodie.
JODIE
(to BETH)
She knows my name.
SANDY
(to JODIE)
Of course I do. I’ve heard lots about you.
JODIE
I don’t know anything about you.
(to BETH)
How would she know anything about me?
BETH
(to JODIE)
She and Charlie probably talk a lot.
JODIE
Charlie doesn’t know anything about me.
SANDY
(to JODIE)
You grew up together, right? After eighteen years, I’ve heard the family stories, over and over.
JODIE
Well, you haven’t heard them all, because Charlie doesn’t know them all. I didn't abandon my family like he did, and…I'm older than he is.
SANDY
Five years.
JODIE
That’s right.
SANDY
Charlie tells me about you. He’s still scared of the dark, because of the way you used to spook him.
JODIE
He told you about that!
SANDY
Sure he did.
JODIE
Charlie!
CHARLIE
It scared me. I was five years old and you got under the bed and screamed "boo."
JODIE
It was a little mean, but you deserved it.
CHARLIE
How did I deserve it?
JODIE
You bit me.
CHARLIE
Not a real bite. I was playing.
JODIE
You should have known better.
CHARLIE
I was five.
JODIE
Even five year olds shouldn't bite.
SANDY
(to JODIE)
And you have a false tooth, right? This one, right here.
(She points to one of her own front teeth.)
JODIE
He told you about the curtain rod?
SANDY
That whole sword fight is so clear in my mind, like a movie I’ve seen ten times. Jodie with the ruler. Charlie with the six foot curtain rod.
(She pantomimes the action.)
The fencing. The final stab to the mouth.
JODIE
Touché.
(CHARLIE breaks from the conversation with JODIE and turns to his parents.)
CHARLIE
Sandy, here’s my ma and dad.
SANDY
Hi.
(BETH and JERRY shake hands with SANDY, and then turn to CHARLIE)
JERRY
How was the traffic?
CHARLIE
It’s all changed. Rainer Street is six lanes, and there's not a single house left.
BETH
Things change, Charlie. You can’t get back the time. Twenty years.
(CHARLIE ignores the implications here. He shows no signs of guilt, remorse, or emotional reaction of any kind.)
CHARLIE
Hey — an occasion, huh? Fiftieth anniversary. The food smells good.
BETH
Jodie’s the chef.
(beat)
How's my grandchild? Lori.
(after a moment…)
CHARLIE
Sandy sends pictures. You get the pictures, don’t you?
(BETH pulls out a box of pictures and looks at them.)
SANDY
That reminds me. Here are her spring pictures.
(SANDY gives BETH a packet of pictures. BETH puts them with the others and takes a look.)
BETH
She’s a beautiful girl, but I wish I knew her. She’s sixteen.
CHARLIE
Yeah, Ma. Rough age. Remember when Jodie was sixteen? When I was sixteen?
BETH
It wasn’t so bad.
CHARLIE
It wasn’t?
BETH
Well, then. But now, it seems pretty good.
JODIE
I’ll check on the roast again.
BETH
Don’t open the oven.
JODIE
I’ve got to open the oven to check on it.
BETH
You’ll ruin it.
JODIE
I won’t, Ma. I’ve got a trick.
BETH
What’s that?
JODIE
It’s my own secret.
BETH
A secret that could put undercooked meat on the table.
JODIE
It works.
BETH
Lord!
JODIE
You can visit while I check on it.
(The four of them sit down. There’s a pause while they wait to see who will start.)
JERRY
Does Lori have her driver’s license?
SANDY
No.
JERRY
Why not?
SANDY
She's sixteen. She's in no hurry to get one.
(CHARLIE turns to his mother.)
CHARLIE
Ma?
BETH
(protecting herself with a bit of irritation)
What?
CHARLIE
You remember my friend from high school — Steve Ackert?
BETH
Of course I remember Steve. I’ve seen Steve. Every now and then, he’s in town. He comes by for a visit.
CHARLIE
He came and visited us. What a disaster. He told Lori all about the stuff I did in high school and college.
BETH
You were a good student.
JERRY
That’s probably not the stuff Steve told her about.
CHARLIE
No.
JERRY
You and Steve were friends, not study partners.
CHARLIE
He told Lori about that time we got arrested. You remember that?
BETH
Nobody forgets things like that.
SANDY
Charlie! There are other things we can talk about. Why are you telling them this?
CHARLIE
I thought they might appreciate it.
JERRY
We do.
CHARLIE
Now my daughter thinks it’s okay to stay out late and scare the hell out of us — because Steve told her I did that. Steve doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have children.
SANDY
Lori is a good girl. But at her age, friends are important. And she has a protective father.
JERRY
Teenagers like to stay out as late as they can. It’s natural.
BETH
How late does she stay out?
CHARLIE
The other night she came in at one thirty.
BETH
My word!
CHARLIE
It’s Steve’s fault. He told Lori that we used to stay out later than that.
BETH
You did.
CHARLIE
But he shouldn't tell her that. When Lori breaks our rules, Steve thinks it's funny.
JERRY
I wouldn't call it funny, but it does create a certain balance.
CHARLIE
When we have a beer, he flaunts it. He's empowered my daughter to question my authority.
JERRY
(mocking)
He’s empowered her?
CHARLIE
Well, he gave her some ideas.
JERRY
Sad story.
BETH
Don’t let her push you around. She’s a girl. The world has changed. You’ve got to put your foot down.
CHARLIE
That’s the way I feel about it. Sandy trusts her.
BETH
Don’t. She’s too pretty.
JERRY
Where is she now?
CHARLIE
Spending the night with a friend.
BETH
Who?
CHARLIE
Oh, one of her girlfriends. Shelly Reison.
SANDY
Shelly's a very nice girl, from a good family.
(BETH looks at the photos of Lori)
BETH
I can’t get over these pictures.
(to JERRY)
Have you seen them?
JERRY
Yes.
BETH
Not these.
(BETH, not letting go of the pictures, shows them to JERRY.)
BETH
You should have brought her here with you!
CHARLIE
Next time.
BETH
Next time? It’s been twenty years! She’s sixteen and we’ve never seen her!
SANDY
There will be a next time. Soon. Absolutely.
BETH
Bubbie’s in her room, watching T.V. Go see her. She’s with Clemmie.
CHARLIE
Clemmie! Clemmie’s still here?
BETH
She’s back there with Bubbie. She wants to see you too.
CHARLIE
(beginning to exit)
Sandy, come meet my grandmother.
SANDY
You talk with her first. I’ll visit with your parents.
CHARLIE
Don’t you want to meet her?
SANDY
I will.
JERRY
Hey, we’ll take Sandy for a walk and show her the neighborhood – while you sit with Bubbie.
SANDY
That sounds fine.
CHARLIE
You don’t want me to go with you?
JERRY
No. Visit your grandmother.
BETH
You owe her a visit.
JERRY
Beth, let’s go.
BETH
I’ll stay here. Jodie might need some help.
JERRY
She doesn’t want your help.
BETH
She doesn’t want it, but she might need it.
JERRY
She doesn’t need it, and she won’t let you help. You’re aggravating her. Let’s go.
BETH
Okay. I’ll go for the walk.
(BETH, JERRY, and SANDY exit. CHARLIE exits.)
SCENE 4
(An old soft couch, an old soft chair, and two old soft women. BUBBIE sits on the couch and CLEMMIE in the chair.
BUBBIE is the Jewish grandmother. She speaks with a Russian accent. CLEMMIE is the black maid who works in the house. BUBBIE knits. Together, they watch a soap opera.
When BUBBIE and CLEMMIE talk with each other, they don’t look at each other. They watch the T.V.)
BUBBIE
Is she Jewish?
CLEMMIE
Naw.
BUBBIE
I think she is Jewish.
CLEMMIE
Now why do you say she is Jewish?
BUBBIE
I can see she is. Maybe her shoulders.
CLEMMIE
Her shoulders!
BUBBIE
They look Jewish.
CLEMMIE
There is no such thing as Jewish looking shoulders.
BUBBIE
The way she carries them.
CLEMMIE
She carries them like everybody else. Now she hasn’t done one thing on that show but give her husband a hard time about working with his first wife. I don’t see how that can make a person Jewish. They hadn’t ever said one word about anybody being Jewish. She hadn’t eatin’ a bite of Jewish food or even said a single Jewish word. And here you’re dead sure she’s Jewish.
BUBBIE
(referring to another character on the show)
What about her?
CLEMMIE
The nurse?
BUBBIE
She’s Jewish.
CLEMMIE
I’ve told you a hundred times. She ain’t Jewish neither. She’s a nurse!
BUBBIE
She’s a Jewish nurse.
CLEMMIE
All she did was puff that man’s pillow and tell the doctor she’s comin’ over to his house tonight. How does that make a person Jewish?
BUBBIE
To me, she looks Jewish.
CLEMMIE
You think everybody looks Jewish.
BUBBIE
Not everybody. You don’t.
CLEMMIE
Now we both know I ain’t. I mean everybody on your shows.
BUBBIE
Not everybody. That man is not Jewish. He’s too tall.
CLEMMIE
None of ‘em are Jewish. They’re in some little town somewhere with nothin’ much but a hospital in it, and they don’t have no Jews or black people in the town. And if they did put a Jew on the show, they wouldn’t make it no secret either. They’d come right out and tell you because something like that would have to be a part of the show.
BUBBIE
Henry Kissinger is Jewish.
CLEMMIE
Maybe he is, but was on the news. This is your show.
BUBBIE
He’s a good man. Don’t ask me why he liked Nixon so much.
(She refers to another character on the show.)
I hate that man.
CLEMMIE
Me too.
BUBBIE
He tries to lie every way he can.
CLEMMIE
He’s the devil.
BUBBIE
Who could treat his own daughter that way?
CLEMMIE
He could, the ol’ buzzard.
BUBBIE
Too bad for his second wife. She’s a good woman.
CLEMMIE
And she don’t have the sense to realize what her first husband is up to. Poor darlin’ little girl. Has such a good mother and such an evil man for a father.
BUBBIE
(speaking to the T.V.)
Don’t listen to him! He’s a scoundrel.
CLEMMIE
If I were her, I’d spit in his face.
BUBBIE
He wants to turn her against her own mother. After all she’s been through? It makes me sick.
(They groan, relax, and look at each other.)
CLEMMIE
Now here they go again. Hadn’t been two minutes since the last commercial, and they’re having the same one again. I might as well start running your bath.
BUBBIE
(not especially pleased about this)
Aaa.
(Enter CHARLIE. The two women look up.)
CHARLIE
Bubbie, it’s me. Hi Clemmie.
CLEMMIE
Charlie! I’ll be! It is Charlie.
BUBBIE
Who?
CLEMMIE
Your grandson. Charlie.
(CHARLIE gives his grandmother a kiss on the cheek. She responds as if it happens every day.)
BUBBIE
Oh. Charlie.
(She looks in her purse and pulls out a dollar.)
Here’s a dollar.
CHARLIE
No, Bubbie. I have a job now.
BUBBIE
Of course you do. Take it anyway.
CHARLIE
I don’t need the dollars anymore.
BUBBIE
Who can’t use another dollar?
CHARLIE
I make over a hundred thousand dollars a year.
BUBBIE
Of course you do. Put it in your pocket.
CLEMMIE
Charlie, she hasn’t seen you in a long time. Make her happy and take the money.
(He takes the dollar and sits down beside her on the couch.)
CHARLIE
How are you, Bubbie? You look fine.
BUBBIE
Ooooo. Sometimes my hip can really hurt.
CLEMMIE
Arthritis.
CHARLIE
You, Clemmie?
CLEMMIE
My feet kill me.
(BUBBIE closes her eyes and takes a short nap.)
CHARLIE
That’s that same TV that was always here.
CLEMMIE
Sure it is.
CHARLIE
No remote.
CLEMMIE
Don’t need one.
CHARLIE
She’s awful thin.
CLEMMIE
She’s always been small, but she don’t eat but three bites of food a day.
CHARLIE
Same couch. She still takes her naps on it?
CLEMMIE
She never gets in the bed no more. She just takes more naps.
(to BUBBIE)
It’s on!
(BUBBIE awakes. The two women jerk their heads back toward the T.V.)
BUBBIE
There he is again, that old scoundrel.
CLEMMIE
Up to no good right off the bat.
BUBBIE
He makes me want to turn off the television.
CLEMMIE
Don’t do that.
(CHARLIE rises.)
BUBBIE
If they would just talk to each other about him, everybody would be all right.
CLEMMIE
You got that right.
BUBBIE
Then they would know what he’s up to.
CLEMMIE
And they could tell him to go to hell.
BUBBIE
But the three of ‘em never get in the same room together.
CLEMMIE
That’s what drives me crazy. They do that on purpose, just to make us mad.
BUBBIE
Who?
CLEMMIE
The people who make the show.
BUBBIE
What people?
CHARLIE
Bubbie, they’re not real.
BUBBIE
Hush.
CLEMMIE
Don’t talk while her show’s on.
(CHARLIE exits. The women don’t notice.)
SCENE 5
(CHARLIE enters the living room. He looks around. Enter JODIE.)
JODIE
Charlie, you’ll never believe the surprise!
CHARLIE
Me? You didn’t think I’d really be here for this?
JODIE
Not you. A bigger surprise!
CHARLIE
What?
JODIE
There are people coming.
CHARLIE
People. Who?
JODIE
I’ve invited over a hundred people. Guests!
CHARLIE
A hundred? Tonight?
JODIE
Tonight!
CHARLIE
Have you got food for a hundred people? Are you paying for this yourself?
JODIE
A cover dish surprise. A grand 50th anniversary. The dinner I’m making is just a front. A decoy for the real party. They’re coming at five o’clock.
CHARLIE
If Ma and Dad are here, and the party’s here — how can it be a surprise?
JODIE
At their age, it’s hard to take them somewhere for a big, shocking surprise. They never go out much.
CHARLIE
So it’s a surprise they already know about.
JODIE
They’ll know after the first people arrive. After that, there will be a new surprise every time somebody comes in. A hundred surprises. Look, you’ll never believe the guest list.
(She shows him the list.)
JODIE (cont.)
See, Calvin’s coming. The Hillendales. The Stamps. The Stokes. The Longs. The Flowers. Ma’s college friends. Dad’s cousins. Look at this: all the old store employees. Can you believe that? It’s going to be incredible.
CHARLIE
Wow. Some of these people go way back. Are you sure they’re coming?
JODIE
Why wouldn’t they?
CHARLIE
Are all these people still alive? Are the Stamps still living? They were pretty old when I was a kid.
JODIE
I think they are. If they’re not, I guess they won’t be here.
CHARLIE
Mr. Stamps, he’s probably…he’s probably a hundred by now. When’s the last time you saw him?
JODIE
I don’t know. If he can’t make it, others will.
CHARLIE
Where did you send his invitation?
JODIE
I used Mom's address book. You know, the one she used for your Bar Mitzvah? I found it in a drawer and put it back where I got it. She never even knew it was missing.
CHARLIE
Of course she didn't. She probably hasn't looked at it in years.
(He studies the list.)
CHARLIE
The Flowers’ moved to Florida, didn’t they? Years ago.
JODIE
I'm don't know. I'm sure most of these people are still around.
CHARLIE
Is it RSVP?
JODIE
No. Ma and Dad would have seen the replies. I also didn’t put a return address on the envelopes, in case any came back and they checked the mail before I did. I took every precaution to keep it a surprise. But it doesn't matter who comes. It's cover dish.
(Beat. Overly excited.)
Isn’t it amazing?
CHARLIE
(hesitant)
It sure is.
JODIE
You don’t like it?
CHARLIE
Sure I do.
(He looks at his watch.)
They should start showing up pretty soon.
JODIE
This will be something Ma and Dad will never forget. Do you see? This will be a filter they can look through for the rest of their lives, to enhance all their memories, so that when the old times flood back, they’ll be richer. They will celebrate all the great things they’ve done. It’s like taking the dirty rearview mirror of their lives and cleaning it – so they can see where they've been.
(CHARLIE lets the tone of his voice drop, addressing his sister seriously.)
CHARLIE
Jodie, the two of us — we haven’t talked for a long time.
JODIE
No.
CHARLIE
How are they doing?
JODIE
Who?
CHARLIE
Ma and Dad.
JODIE
Why would you care?
CHARLIE
They’re my parents.
JODIE
When you stay away for twenty years, you’re not really theirs anymore.
CHARLIE
They’re still my parents, the only ones I have.
JODIE
Biologically. I think of you now as a cousin. A second cousin.
CHARLIE
I'm not your cousin.
JODIE
Maybe even once removed.
CHARLIE
Let’s not get into all that now, Jodie. You’ve seen them through a lot of years I missed. Are they okay?
JODIE
They're fine.
(She returns to her own inner world.)
You wouldn’t believe what I went through to get out those invitations. It took weeks of work.
CHARLIE
That’s really…something.
JODIE
It will be incredible.
CHARLIE
(frustrated)
I’m sure it will be.
JODIE
I’ve also have entertainment. I made a video from the photo albums. I asked all the guests to prepare a little story about Ma and Dad. It’s going to be an amazing night.
CHARLIE
Jodie, are you okay?
JODIE
I’m fine. Putting together a night like this puts me in touch with my power as a human being.
CHARLIE
Your power?
JODIE
Yes, my power! Look what I've created! You’re here. A party is about to begin!
CHARLIE
Is your illness it still the same?
JODIE
That’s been under control for years! I don’t even think about it anymore.
CHARLIE
That’s great. There have been some advances, some new treatments — huh?
JODIE
I don’t keep up with the new stuff. I take the pills and go on.
CHARLIE
You look fine. Any…news in your life?
JODIE
News? This party is all I’ve thought about for weeks!
CHARLIE
Nothing else? I mean, are Ma and Dad all you think about?
JODIE
Of course not. I tutor kids in reading, at Stather Elementary. I’ve got some very nice children. All of them are making steady progress. This one little cutie calls me Miss Jodie Phony Baloney. Isn’t that adorable?
CHARLIE
Dating anyone?
JODIE
Dating? No, I’m too old for that. And with Ma and Dad retired, I don’t have time for it.
CHARLIE
You’re not that old, Jodie. Seems like you’d have more time for yourself.
JODIE
Oh, no. I help Ma with the yard. Ma and I walk together every morning. I help her with Dad. He can be a handful.
CHARLIE
Did you ever have any boyfriends? Close calls?
JODIE
Why are you asking me this?
CHARLIE
I’m curious. It’s been so long.
JODIE
Why? What's your scheme?
CHARLIE
Nothing. I just want to know about your life, just to learn about my family.
JODIE
I almost had a romance.
CHARLIE
Who?
JODIE
Why are you so interested in this?
CHARLIE
I just missed a lot, Jodie. Tell me. Who was it?
JODIE
You’ll laugh at me.
CHARLIE
No I won’t.
JODIE
I haven’t told this to people.
CHARLIE
Not Ma?
JODIE
Especially not Ma.
CHARLIE
It’s no big deal, Jodie.
JODIE
I guess about fifteen years ago, there was a boy who worked at the store. We talked a lot. Made excuses to, you know, work together. He followed me around. Really, I think he was crazy about me. He stared at me all the time. One night, we went for a drink.
CHARLIE
Where’d you go?
JODIE
Roger’s. You’ve probably never heard of it.
CHARLIE
No, I remember that place.
JODIE
It’s closed now.
CHARLIE
Who was the guy?
JODIE
I told you: he worked in the store. We went for a walk, and he held my hand. I still remember the feel of it, squeezing mine. I'm sure mine felt cold to him. I’m sure it did. He started to kiss me. I wouldn’t let him. I told him he was making a mistake, that he didn’t want to get too close to me. I told him the truth: that I was a little crazy, that others had made this mistake before, that I got sick sometimes, that I was too unstable. I told him he would be very unhappy if he got close to me. It was the truth. He would have ended up either hating me, or having to take care of me. He was disappointed.
CHARLIE
Sometimes people like to take care of each other.
JODIE
No, most people don’t. He was nice. You know, something like that, so long ago — you’d think the memory would fade away...
(Pause.)
He didn’t need me in his life.
(Pause.)
God, I better check on that roast! It’s a decoy roast, really. The main meal will be all the food the guests bring!
(She exits. Charlie looks around at his childhood home, and then exits. Blackout.)
SCENE 6
(Some time has passed. They sit and wait, very subdued: JERRY, BETH, JODIE, CHARLIE, and SANDY.)
JERRY
I still don’t get it. Let’s eat.
JODIE
No.
BETH
Is something burned? Is there a problem in there?
JODIE
No, it’s fine. But we need to wait a few more minutes.
BETH
What are we waiting for?
JODIE
They’ll be here.
JERRY
Who, God dammit. Who will be here?
JODIE
Charlie, you tell them.
(pause)
CHARLIE
Jodie's got a surprise.
SANDY
A surprise?
BETH
What surprise?
JERRY
Lord. Another surprise.
CHARLIE
She’s invited some guests.
BETH
Guests? Who?
JODIE
Over a hundred people, Ma. Your college friends. All the people from the store.
JERRY
People from the store? They’re coming here tonight?
JODIE
All of them.
BETH
How do you know that?
JODIE
I invited them.
BETH
How did you invite them?
JODIE
I sent out invitations!
BETH
Are you sure they’re coming?
JODIE
Why wouldn’t they?
JERRY
Because we never see those people anymore. What time are they supposed to be here?
JODIE
Five.
JERRY
That’s two hours ago. They aren’t coming.
JODIE
They are! So are your cousins, Dad.
JERRY
My cousins? Not Michelle and George?
JODIE
They are.
JERRY
Not a chance.
(BETH is fearful, careful, as she grasps the situation.)
BETH
Jodie. People are busy these days.
JODIE
There are lots of people coming. Cover dish!
(JERRY tries to ignore the sense of doom, hoping he can divert the explosion.)
JERRY
Let’s go ahead and eat.
JODIE
We can’t before they get here.
JERRY
They must not be as hungry as we are. We’ll start without them and they can join in.
CHARLIE
There’s an idea. The lucky ones are here. Whoever doesn’t show up loses out.
JODIE
(screaming)
No! The party has not begun! A hundred guests are coming! With entertainment!
BETH
Jodie, darling.
JODIE
This is supposed to be a celebration.
BETH
And it is.
JODIE
It is not! I mean a celebration for the whole community. A celebration of your lives, living here for fifty years!
JERRRY
The town has changed.
BETH
It has, Jodie. It’s not the same. We’re not so much a part of it anymore.
JODIE
You’re a big part.
JERRY
We aren’t a part of anything. People barely know we're alive.
JODIE
You are! You had a business. You touched people’s lives! Gave them jobs! Why can’t they come to an anniversary party and show some appreciation!
JERRY
It's been ten years. We knew those people when we were younger.
BETH
A lot of them have moved, Jodie. People…don’t go out at night anymore. They get sick. They forget. They get involved in other things.
JERRY
A lot of them are dead.
JODIE
Michelle and George aren’t dead.
JERRY
They aren’t coming here. They haven’t been here in years. They can’t drive this far.
JODIE
They never told me that.
JERRY
Did you talk with them? Did they tell you they were coming?
JODIE
No.
JERRY
Then what makes you think they are?
JODIE
I sent them the invitation. Why wouldn’t they?
JERRY
They’re not. They wouldn’t arrange a trip like that without telling us about it. I talked with Michelle on the phone yesterday.
(beat)
That's why she wished me a happy anniversary. I was surprised she knew the date.
JODIE
It was going to be a surprise.
JERRY
Yeah. For you.
BETH
Jerry, please.
JODIE
These people are not dead! They’re mean! They’re ungrateful! They’re a bunch of back-stabbers!
BETH
Jodie, your brother’s here with his wife. You’ve fixed dinner. We don’t need more guests to make this special. We can have a nice time. Why don’t you go get Bubbie and Clemmie and we’ll eat?
(JODIE turns to CHARLIE.)
JODIE
It’s your fault! You wrecked this family and now nobody wants to be around us!
JERRY
Jodie, stop. Let’s get the dinner.
JODIE
And the dinner’s ruined, too! Now that we’ve waited this long the roast is well done! There was no way to help it.
JERRY
So what? Maybe it is.
JODIE
(attacking CHARLIE)
You blow out of here and ruin your mother’s life, your father’s life, my life! And now you come back for a party and think it will be the same as when you left! Are you crazy? That’s why nobody came to this! Because they knew you were coming!
BETH
Charlie, go talk to your grandmother.
CHARLIE
It's okay, Ma. Maybe she needs to say these things.
BETH
No, she doesn’t. Go.
CHARLIE
Ma, I don’t mind. If Jodie needs to get a few things out, we can go from there.
BETH
I said that wasn’t the case.
CHARLIE
How can you be sure?
SANDY
Charlie, your mother probably knows what she’s talking about.
(CHARLIE and SANDY exit.)
BETH
Jodie.
(angry, unresponsive)
Jodie.
JODIE
(after a moment)
It’s his fault.
BETH
Jodie. Listen to me.
JODIE
I’m listening!
BETH
Jodie. Look at me.
(She turns.)
Jodie.
(No response. Jodie looks away.)
Jodie!
JODIE
What!
BETH
Have you been taking your medicine?
JODIE
I don’t know!
BETH
Jodie.
(no response)
Jodie. Have you?
JODIE
Who cares?
BETH
(angry)
You can’t stop taking it.
JODIE
I can if I want to!
BETH
And you’ll end up like this.
JODIE
Maybe this is the way I like to be! I’m being honest! Somebody around here needs to be honest. That medicine does more harm than good. Can’t you tell? It makes me stupid. It makes me a zombie. Or maybe you like it when I’m a zombie! Is that what you like?
BETH
You need to take it now.
JODIE
It doesn’t work that way. Remember?
BETH
I know it doesn’t work that way. But take it anyway. We’ll try to get through dinner.
JODIE
I don’t want to get through dinner!
BETH
(shouting)
I said take it!
SCENE 7
(CLEMMIE, BUBBIE, CHARLIE and SANDY watch T.V. CLEMMIE points at SANDY.)
BUBBIE
She’s your wife?
CHARLIE
Yes, Bubbie. Sandy.
BUBBIE
She’s a Jewish girl.
SANDY
Well, really, I’m not.
(BUBBIE doesn’t appear to hear this.)
CHARLIE
She’s not Jewish, Bubbie.
BUBBIE
Of course she is.
SANDY
(explaining)
Our daughter is learning all about being Jewish.
BUBBIE
Of course she’s is.
CHARLIE
She goes along with everything…
BUBBIE
Why wouldn’t she?
CLEMMIE
She doesn’t look it.
BUBBIE
Sure she does.
CLEMMIE
Everybody looks Jewish to you.
BUBBIE
Why such a fuss? A Jew is a Jew. I am so tired.
(She closes her eyes. A moment later, she opens them.
CHARLIE scratches his nose.)
Stop that nose scratching. You’ll ruin it. You’ll have scars.
CHARLIE
You told me that when I was a kid and I still don’t have scars.
BUBBIE
You used to scratch your nose so hard it's a wonder you didn't break it off.
CHARLIE
I never did.
BUBBIE
Why do you do it?
CHARLIE
It’s a habit. I don’t do it that much.
BUBBIE
You used to dig your nail into it. I’m surprised it doesn’t bleed.
CHARLIE
I’ve never drawn any blood. I don’t use my nail.
BUBBIE
Then why take the chance? I’ll give you a dollar if you stop.
CHARLIE
Okay, I've stopped.
BUBBIE
Here's your dollar.
CHARLIE
I don't need it. I've stopped scratching.
BUBBIE
Take it. Please, before you get scars.
CHARLIE
Okay.
(He accepts another dollar.)
SCENE 8
(In the living room, JODIE has calmed down, but she’s sobbing. BETH and JERRY speak softly to her, trying to console her.)
JERRY
We were on Highway 912, between Elbeeton and Rakefield, doing fifty-five in a forty-five — and there wasn’t another damn car on the road. Your mother, said "You think we ought to turn back?" And I said, "Not a chance."
BETH
It was very romantic.
JODIE
Your father introduced you to each other. He picked you out of a crowd.
JERRY
And we’ve always had a great little secret.
JODIE
Compromise.
BETH
That’s right, dear.
JODIE
And more people should learn it.
JERRY
That’s right. They should.
JODIE
Ma?
BETH
What, dear?
JODIE
Please make Charlie leave.
(long pause)
Please. I hate it when he’s here.
BETH
No.
JODIE
I want him to leave.
BETH
Sorry, dear.